The Film Festival

I’m going to tell two car stories.

One is from, oh my gosh, I didn’t do the math before I started.

One is from 22 years ago and one is from 45 minutes ago.

Let’s do this.

22 years ago, I’m at college and Brandeis University, and I’m driving around the peripheral road.

That was the name of the road that went around Brandeis’s campus.

Brandeis didn’t name everything that way.

They didn’t call the dorms student living places, but they called that road, the one around the periphery of the campus, peripheral road.

I believe we’re post-school year.

I think it was around May of 2002.

I am driving on that road and a car crashes into mine at a low speed, but not at no speed.

The car is backing out of a spot and backs into me and then just starts driving away.

Oh no, the car was pulling an illegal U-Way and crashed into me.

That’s what it was.

I take off on foot.

I don’t know what’s happened to my car, so I don’t know how much I can drive it.

It is a cause damage for sure.

I take off on foot and I’m wearing some kind of sandal situation.

As I’m running, I lose one shoe and then the other shoe, but I just keep running.

To my great fortune, the driver of this car turns into Schlossberg, which was the music building.

That building had a U-shaped parking lot.

The person just wanted to be going around Peripheral Road, but didn’t know what they were doing and so turned into that parking lot.

That loop in the parking lot gave me time to catch up on foot.

Again, Peripheral Road speed limit, not that high, so I had time to catch up on foot.

I pound on this car’s windows as it’s getting ready to exit Schlossberg.

A very elderly woman rolls down the window.

She’s like, what?

I’m like, you just crashed into my car.

She’s like, no, I didn’t.

I’m like, no, you literally just did.

I’m gesturing to my car, which is up the road.

You just crashed into my car.

No, I have to get to the film festival.

I’m like, what?

Luckily, it was a very visible thing.

It was daylight.

It was daytime.

Some campus police show up, and some students are there.

I’m in bare feet.

Well, human feet, but you get what I mean.

The police are talking to this woman, and she’s like, I didn’t crash into anything, and I need to get to the film festival.

There was apparently some film festival on campus, and she wanted to get to it.

They’re like, well, ma’am, we’ll get you to the film festival, but first, we got to take this report.

She’s like, but I didn’t hit his car.

Then they show her paint on my car, et cetera.

She’s like, well, I didn’t think I hit anyone.

Again, when they’re trying to get a statement and get her insurance information for me, et cetera, she keeps saying, but I have to go to the film festival.

This line is seared.

I hear her voice.

I hear her saying it, which I guess is the same thing.

I hear her cadence, her prosody, but it’s like it lives in my head forever because of how many times she, I have to get to the film festival.

Man, at this moment, I don’t know what I mean by that since I haven’t been giving you a moment by moment analysis, but at some point, my friend Sam starts driving the other way on peripheral road in my direction, and she sees me.

She’s like, what’s going on?

That was when I burst into tears.

I had been doing fine until then.

I was just stressed out and then couldn’t believe this crazy lady, but yeah, then I saw my friend Sam and I’m like, what?

I lost my shoes and this lady crashed into my car.

I was more upset about the car and I found my shoes.

Sam, who was then and is now a wonderful friend, she helped me out, so that was nice.

Eventually, the lady leaves and my insurance company let me know not that much longer later that her insurance company agreed that she was completely at fault and that she shouldn’t drive anymore.

Yeah, sad for her, but that’s how it goes.

Anyway, today, I had to pick up a suit that had been at the dry cleaners.

When I go to get it, the woman behind the counter looks at me, when it’s time for me to pay, I’m like, oh, you guys do Apple Pay, right?

She’s like, yes.

I guess because I said Apple Pay and wanted to use it and was excited to use it or whatever, she’s like, oh, you must be a technical person.

She’s like, was that your, and then she said, Rivian.

I was like, yes, that is mine because she saw me coming up in my Rivian and parking, I guess.

She’s like, they’re really cool.

You don’t see a lot of them.

I’m like, yeah, I think it’s starting to turn a corner, but yeah, you don’t see too many of them.

She’s like, well, I think those Rivians are so cool.

I bring this all up and I quote her because I didn’t know in the moment what to do.

And so I did nothing because it’s pronounced Rivian.

Uh, but who wants to be corrected?

Nobody.

Uh, and it doesn’t matter.

And if I was like, oh, it’s actually pronounced Rivian.

I think you can say that, but as a stranger, like you can also kind of sound like an asshole and I didn’t want to do that either.

So, uh, if you want to sound like an asshole, all you have to do is say, I have to get to the film festival.

See, that was a callback.

Anyway, that’s my story.

It’s my two car stories.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Oh boy.

Misery opening night is sort of tonight because of the way this theater works.

It’s like an invited dress rehearsal.

Uh, did I suffer another injury at last night’s rehearsal?

Yes.

It’s fine.

It’s fine.

I wear these, uh, you know, homemade leg braces that, uh, Annie Wilkes has put on me.

And, uh, when you eventually see them is when I fall out of bed and, uh, you know, they’re just metal.

And, uh, when I fell off the bed, it was my biggest fear was falling off the bed, wearing those leg braces.

When I got off the bed, one of them really jammed into my right foot and boy, boy, did that leave a Mark and blunt.

Anyway, happy weekend.

We’ll talk soon.