So, way back on January 16th, 2014, two things happened on Your Daily Lex.

One, I introduced a new theme song, which is the current theme song.

I’m not changing it.

Don’t worry.

Two, is I told a story about how two years prior, I had dealt with kidney stones.

Over this past weekend, I thought I was dealing with kidney stones again.

Your Daily Lex.

So there I was, minding my own business, riding my Peloton bike and watching Fargo, and it was Saturday, and suddenly I became overwhelmed with pain.

And I’m a devoted enough Peloton rider that I was like, what do I do, because I never pause my classes.

But I was like, I think I’m going to have to pause this class, because I had already stopped pedaling, and I was obsessed with the pain I was feeling.

And I had no idea it was happening in the show, and I’m pretty good at paying attention to shows, but I’m like totally seized up with pain, and it’s in my back.

And it’s kind of in my back and everywhere, but it’s like my back, my lower and mid back.

It was bilateral.

That means both sides, if you’re not a fancy medical person like me.

But it was really, really painful.

So at first, I’m like, let’s see if this goes away after a minute.

It did not.

But I’m trying to text Lauren, who is upstairs somewhere.

And you know how sometimes you just get every word wrong when you’re typing on your phone?

If I get that, and it’s with somebody who I’m close to, like Lauren, I don’t always just correct everything.

I just do my best, or really what I’ll do is I’ll retype what I meant and leave the initial typos if it’s too many words to correct.

So I write, Suggesting Matt be writing with me, and then under that, Something may be wrong with me.

Stand by.

If I say you need to come, come.

But not yet.

And then Lauren was not looking at her phone, so she did not see it.

And eventually I decided I’m going to get upstairs, and so I’m kind of crawling up the stairs, because I’m in the basement.

And I get to the kitchen where Lauren is, and I’m like, Something is wrong with me.

And then I like also, I guess I had a panic attack, because the pain was really all-consuming at that moment.

And so I’m kind of like weeping, or sobbing, and struggling to breathe, and so I’m trying to calm myself down, and we’re discussing what we’re going to do.

And also, I should say, Lauren and Sierra, they’re in the production of My Fair Lady that had two shows Saturday, so I’m really trying not to mess that up.

And I’ll say this, when I went for kidney stones, which happened twice, they asked what’s your pain on a scale of 1 to 10?

And I said 11.

I wasn’t at 11.

I was at a solid 9.

And then if it would calm down for a minute, it would be a 5 or 6.

And then it would wane, wax, it would do the getting worse one, back to a 9.

But it wasn’t at an 11.

So I’m like, I’m not sure.

And I said eventually, I’m going to try to shower.

It’s been five minutes, but I’m drenched in sweat from the Peloton.

I’ve tried lying down in various positions in between.

And I go up the stairs to the second floor, slowly, and I take a shower.

And it’s not great, but it’s okay.

And then I’m like, hey, I’m not panicking now.

And it hurts a whole, whole lot.

And I think I should go to the ER.

I was Googling to remind myself, is this the right place for the pain to be for a kidney stone?

And the answer was yes.

I said, I think I can drive myself to the ER.

And Laura’s like, no, I got to take you.

And I’m like, no, you got to show.

Let me at least try.

And I can go through our development.

And if I don’t think I can control a car safely, I’m obviously not going to do it.

I can get an Uber.

I can call your parents.

Or you can take me.

But I don’t think you have to take me.

Laura was very opposed to this, but I was insistent that I wasn’t going to mess with the show.

Again, because I didn’t think it was a kidney stone.

It felt a whole lot like a kidney stone.

But a 9 pain versus an 11 pain is a different pain.

I did successfully drive myself to the hospital.

And I go in and there’s an old lady ahead of me with her husband and she’s crying because she fell.

She thinks she broke her wrist.

And they are very slow to get checked in.

And then I get checked in and they give you, you know, they see me wincing and the security person’s like, do you need a wheelchair, sir?

And I’m like, no, I don’t even really want to sit.

And they give you one of those restaurant, wait for your table things.

And about, I don’t know, 10 minutes later, they buzz me.

And I go get called in to the triage nurse now.

And she asks me, she sees I’m in a lot of pain, do I tell her, you know, normally I’m quite charming.

It’s just a little hard right now.

And she could see that I was in pain.

My vitals were good, but, you know, higher than normal, whatever.

They take me back to acute 9.

There, a lovely woman comes in pretty soon thereafter to give me an IV.

I did what I always do when somebody’s giving me an IV.

I don’t know why, it’s just who I am.

And I’m like, hey, I’m so excited you’re the one giving me my IV because everybody at this hospital says that you’re the best at giving IVs, that like you do it totally painlessly.

She’s like, they say that?

I’m like, oh, absolutely.

It’s, it’s the whole scuttlebutt out in the waiting room.

And then she realizes that I’m joking and I’m again, trying to be charming.

She gives me the most painful IV insertion I’ve ever had.

She’s also, as it turns out, drawing blood first and she can’t do it.

She’s like, she knows that she’s causing me tremendous pain.

She’s like, I’m sorry about this.

I know this isn’t great.

And then she’s like, yeah, this is not going to work.

And I have to try it again.

And I literally go, are you joking?

And she says, no.

So she tries again.

She draws the blood and then she goes, uh, so good news and bad news.

The good news is I got all the blood I need.

The bad news is this IV isn’t working anymore.

That vein is whatever they say, collapsed, dead, burst.

I don’t know.

She’s like, that vein is gone.

That vein is blown.

That’s what she said.

That vein is blown.

I’m going to have to go to the other side.

And I was like, I cannot believe this is happening.

And she said, I think you jinxed me.

So you always want nurses who believe in jinxing.

She has the IV in, uh, you know, the doctor just from the, uh, kind of oral exam is like, uh, we’re going to give you a low dose of morphine to start, uh, even before we do the CAT scan.

But because the lady couldn’t get the IV going, they do the CAT scan first, but before they have the results for those, they administer the, uh, morphine and it’s really the lowest dose of morphine.

And man, it was great.

As soon as it goes in, like four seconds later, I say to the nurse, uh, is it okay that I feel insane now?

And she’s like, yeah.

And man, I can, I get how people get addicted because it was awesome.

I just loved it.

And I had morphine before, I guess, when I had kidney stones before it, but that was 11 pain.

So there I was still focused on the pain here, uh, it was only nine, but man, I really enjoyed that morphine.

And then they come in and they’re like, so are you still in pain?

I’m like, yes, but I don’t care.

But I actually said to the nurse was yes, but I don’t give a shit.

I found it funny as did she, um, uh, and then I started getting results.

Like I would get these text messages saying, you know, from my chart being like, Hey, a new result is there.

A new result was there from your cat scan, from your blood work, from this.

And, uh, there were not kidney stones, which was interesting.

And they made me give a urine sample and that took a long time.

Not because I was a slow peer.

I peed just great.

Thank you very much.

But because the other person in the bathroom wouldn’t get out.

And then when that person finally did get out, it was not even a patient, it was a patient sale member who was brushing their teeth and doing their hair.

And that’s what I was waiting to give a PCL before while in pain, anyway, uh, the morphine made me not care about the pain.

Uh, and eventually, um, they were like, we don’t know what this is, um, but you’re okay.

We think it could be orthopedic or maybe you have a, a disc that’s getting ready to slip or something, but we don’t see it.

So we want you to go see an orthopedist, uh, unless he gets worse, you should come back to the emergency room.

But otherwise, you know, go home and make an appointment to do that.

Then I called my dad.

Uh, he’s the orthopedist.

I would go to get a consult from, although he’s been retired for many, many years, gave him a call and, uh, he was like, as I described all the things he said, did you lift anything heavy in the, you know, about 48 hours ago, heavier than usual or bend over in a way that’s different 48 hours ago.

And I was like, not that I can think of.

And then, um, he explained what he thought it was and how, if I had to say like that, what it could cause and how that pain in the back could be severe when that happens and what happened 48 hours after the inciting incident, like there was no incident and I go home and I’m telling this to Liam and Liam was like, what about when you took a 160 pounds of salt to the pool and two trips yesterday or I’m sorry, 48 hours ago, I was like, well, Liam, what are you talking about?

That was 46 hours ago.

But then I texted my dad that that’s what had happened 46 hours ago.

And he’s like, aha.

So congrats to my dad who basically dr housed it.

Uh, he really instantly knew what it was and even knew that I had lifted the thing 48 hours ago or 46 that I didn’t even recall lifting.

Uh, but I was impressed.

Um, so now I’m merely on high doses of ibuprofen even yesterday.

So, you know, Saturday was the ER day, uh, Saturday night, I was the ref at comedy sports and still pulled that off.

And then Sunday afternoon, evening, I had a, an hour of dance rehearsal and I was wondering all day if I’d be able to do it.

And it was great today.

I paid the price a little bit where I had some added soreness, I think, but ibuprofen is, is doing its job.

I did not have kidney stones, which is always a win.

Uh, and anyway, that’s a, that’s my story of my weekend, man, morphine, that stuff’s the real deal.