In one sense, yesterday’s colonoscopy went fine.

In another sense, it did not go fine.YourDailyLexSo there were some positives.

First of all, when I got there, after, you know, they brought me back into the surgery center prep area, as the nurse was getting ready to start my IV and take my initial vitals, I said, look, the last time I had a medical procedure, which was my spinal surgery, some of the nurses were concerned about my heart rate, but my heart rate is naturally low.

I’ve been working out for the past year, and they were concerned, but the anesthesiologist wasn’t.

She’s like, oh, well, let’s see.

And then she saw my resting heart rate, which was 39 to 41.

And she’s like, yeah, I can’t set the IV yet.

I have to talk to the anesthesiologist.

And the anesthesiologist comes over and he’s like, so you work out a lot?

And I’m like, yeah.

He wanted to know the specifics, and I gave him the specifics.

And he said, okay, this guy’s an athlete.

His heart rate’s fine.

And I laughed in his face when he called me an athlete, but there you go.

I guess I am.

And then there was a conversation about Taylor Swift, and I talked about how I grew up in the same town as her, which some of the nurses found very exciting.

And then when they were getting ready to actually do the procedure, a few minutes beforehand, I finally saw the gastroenterologist himself.

And I said to him, hey, my biggest angst about this procedure today is I don’t feel like the prep worked well enough.

And apologies for those of you who don’t like talking about poop, but he’s like, it’s not clear.

And I’m like, no.

And he’s like, yellow?

And I’m like, no.

And he’s like, well, what does it look like?

And I gave him an analogy.

You might find this distasteful, so feel free to not listen to the next one second.

Iced tea is what I said.

And he’s like, oh, I’m sure it’s fine.

I’m sure you’re being overly cautious.

I’m sure it’s fine.

And great.

So as they’re getting ready to wheel me back, I say to the anesthesiologist, hey, just so you know, I intend to fight you.

And he’s like, what?

And I’m like, I’m going to fight and stay awake for as long as possible.

He’s like, oh, good.

I welcome the challenge.

And he said, do you want to count back from 10?

And I was like, sure.

And so then we’re in there and they’re prepping me.

He’s like, okay, you can start your countdown.

And the nurse is like, no, you’re giving him a head start.

Don’t let him count yet.

And so he waits until he actually plunges in the anesthetic.

And he’s like, okay, you can start counting backwards now.

And I count 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

And all the nurses and the doctor and the other doctor, the anesthesiologist and the gastroenterologist are like, what’s going on?

Why is he falling asleep?

And I’m like, do you want me to go negative?

And the anesthesiologist is like, yeah.

And I’m like, negative 1, negative 2, negative 3, negative 4.

Okay, it’s going to happen now.

Negative 5.

They were very surprised.

I didn’t count fast, by the way.

I counted at normal countdown speed that we humans use.

And they were genuinely surprised at how far I got, as was I.

There was a moment of like, oh my God, what if it’s not working?

And then they have to like over anesthetize me, and then it’s a whole thing.

But it all worked out.

I wake up, and they take me back to a room where then I’m going to meet with the doctor.

I always find it very odd with this doctor when he does his colonoscopies because he’s done mine before and he’s done several with my wife, that they talk to the patient who just had the colonoscopy and who was still bleary-eyed from anesthesia as opposed to their person who they’re with.

But whatever.

And he’s like, hey, you were right.

We didn’t get you cleaned out enough.

So we went as far as we could, and we noted two large polyps, larger than we would expect in someone your age.

And he also said, it’s increasingly common these days that we’re seeing larger than expected polyps in people your age.

And we don’t know why, but you had two, and we’re removing them and biopsying them.

So I get to wait for that.

Hooray.

And then he’s like, and then we have to do another one within the next three months.

That’ll happen in May, as it turns out.

And I’ll have a more aggressive clean-out prep, whatever, that time.

So that’s exciting.

I have that to look forward to.

So essentially what I’m saying is my gastroenterologist thought I was full of shit.

Okay.

Anyway, I got home, took a nap.

The cat slept on my feet while I napped, and that’s very unusual.

Sunny loves Lauren and tolerates everyone else.

So the fact that she chose to sleep on my feet I thought was very kind.

Who knows?

My basic dream in life is that a pet sleeps on my feet because my feet are always freezing and pets on them make them warm.

So yeah, I took a nap, then had the rest of my day and was pretty much back to normal.

Of course, I gained several pounds yesterday, which is hilarious, but that seems to be what happens whenever I have IV fluids.

It’s water weight.

Yeah, sure.

But the scale is still not as good as I want it to be.

Whatever.

Anyway, that’s my colonoscopy, at least the first one.

I mean, not the first one ever, but the first one of the year.

And I’ll have a second one this year because that’s my luck, I guess.

Anyway, I hope you’re having a wonderful Friday the 13th.

Happy Valentine’s Day, if that’s a thing you do.

It’s not a thing I do.

Man, I love being in a relationship where we don’t care about Valentine’s Day.

It’s very easy.

Goodbye! Lex.